An important note

This is a work of fiction. While some elements do mimic my own personal life (I’m married, I have two kids, and so on), the situations in this work are fiction. My husband is a devoted, loving father and a good person. The husband in this work is not. Or is he? Read on to find out more.

September 8 (later)

As promised, some more information about what’s been going on with me and mine.

Let’s see… I said kids up all night, well, that was nothing more exciting than a cold for the Girl Child and what I think is finally some new teeth for the Boy Child. He’s been stuck at five teeth for what feels like ever, and I think now he’s finally catching up. I know with teething there’s nothing that can be done, but it’s frustrating that he doesn’t have more by now. Think of all the steak he could be eating!

As for Girl Child, I cannot wait until she’s finally healthy again. It’s been about a month or so of her never quite being at one hundred percent, and what that means is that she is a beast. Urgh. I love her, but oh my god could you please stop whining? Or asking me about every single little thing when your dad is right there! I promise, he knows how to parent you, too.

Okay, maybe not. Some days I wonder how he managed to survive as long as he has. Some days I think I could just end that any time. Just a pillow at night, or something slipped into his ubiquitous can of pop…

No no, I’m joking. I love him and all that. I’m pretty sure.

I do.

Really, I do.

Let’s move on… what else was I going to write about?

Well, work promises to get interesting pretty soon. As you may or may not have heard, there’s been an election, and we’re due to get some new bosses coming soon. I’m not too sure how it’s going to affect things for us at work, but it’s definitely some interesting times ahead.

Actually, it’s not very likely to affect me much at all. Administrative staff like yours truly tend not to be too directly affected by changes in the Very Important People we work for. It’s my boss and my colleagues that’ll bear the brunt of the changes. I mean, I am involved in more than the usual amount of photocopies and chasing down contact information and making travel arrangements, but that’s about it. I love being far down the importance chain sometimes, I really do.

Sounds like the children are ready for dinner. I’d best be off before they eat one another, or start in on the dog’s food again.

September 9

Rough day at work today. I don’t know what’s going on, but my boss was acting like I was out to lunch or something. I had all of his meeting notes prepared, I had his calendar printed out, and I even had a coffee ready for him this morning, and he looked really befuddled for some reason when I handed it all over to him. I asked him what was wrong, but he just shook his head and said thanks in a tone that led me to believe I should excuse myself and leave him alone.

Actually, it seemed like everyone was off their game today. I had to keep asking people to include me on emails, some four different people ran into me in the halls and cafeteria at lunch, and I swear someone even tried to open the stall door when I was in the bathroom peeing. What the fuck, honestly.

Girl Child is still off her game and didn’t want much of anything to do with me today. Boy Child apparently didn’t sleep well at daycare, so he didn’t want to be held or anything, he just kept crying when he was sat down and crying and squirming when I picked him up. He wasn’t terribly interested in dinner; he kept throwing everything on the floor or the table until I finally gave up and took him out of the high chair. I love these kids with all of my heart, but it’s like they’re Dr. Jekyll and Ms. Hyde sometimes, I swear.

I know there’s nothing that can be done to make him sleep better at daycare, and Girl Child had the same problem when she went, but I do find it frustrating that I get stuck with cranky baby at the end of the day. I feel like I had the routine down better when it was just one kid – pick her up, get her home, get her fed shortly after 5 o’clock, pick up the Dear Husband (because we only had the one car at the time and the 15-minute walk home was ever so onerous for him), make our dinner, get her bathed and in bed. Now it’s like I can’t get dinner ready for the kids before 6 o’clock and if I’m focusing on feeding Boy Child I get about five minutes in before Girl Child is asking where her dinner is… not to mention she won’t eat the same things as Boy Child, so I can’t always make the same meal for them… and then it’s time for baths and bedtime routines and then it’s 8 o’clock and I’m making our dinner.

I think I need a wife, honestly. Or at least another me – though that wouldn’t have the house and cleaner, and in fact it would probably be worse, because then there’d be twice as much clutter around. So scratch that idea, I guess. More’s the pity.

Speaking of, this post is really turning into a whine fest, isn’t it? Well, that’s what you guys all come here for! Ha ha. I laugh so I don’t cry.

In happier news, I’ve been rediscovering some old book series that I read once upon a time and loved – and in even happier news, there’s a whole slew of books by the same author I hadn’t even known about. They’re set in the same world, but with different protagonists, so while the environment is similar and some of the same characters show up, it’s not the same thing repeated. Well, so far the women are always human and the men are always the vampires, but that’s about it.

I have to hide the books when I’m reading them, though, otherwise I get resoundingly mocked for reading my so-called “vampire smut.” Even at work they mock the covers of the books, which admittedly are quite pulpy, so I wind up either hiding them there or pre-emptively explaining that the covers make them look worse than they are. /sigh. It’s like I can’t just enjoy what I enjoy without having to defend it to all and sundry.

Okay, time to go find myself some wine and chocolate and try to knock myself out of this funk. Sorry for being such a downer today, folks – happier times ahead, I swear!

September 10

I met up with my folks tonight for dinner and left the kids behind with the Dear Husband. It was quite refreshing, getting to eat a hot meal for a change, let me tell you! Not to mention getting to hold a conversation from start to finish without having to stop to listen to unrelated questions or interjections, take a restless baby for a walk around the restaurant, or request assistance with the children from a husband that’s too focused on the sports channel to notice what’s going on with those of us in front of him.

Argh, there I go again with the complaining.

No matter, it was a perfectly lovely dinner with the parents. We fancied it up and hit up the Swiss Chalet near their house, then wandered over to the Dairy Queen for some ice cream afterwards, as we were taking advantage of the unseasonably warm weather. I swear I’m not complaining, but since when does September hit 25 degrees in this city? It’s wonderful, but also unusual. Anyhow, I’m going to enjoy it while it lasts – I’m certainly in no hurry to get to winter, with cold toes, slippery and slushy roads, bad driving conditions, thirty-seven layers of clothing just to survive the commute in to work where it feels like they haven’t figured out how to turn up the thermostat even though the temperature’s been plummeting for weeks…

I guess I enjoy huddling under a comforter with a coffee or hot chocolate and a good book? And sometimes Christmas can be nice. Though the stress of buying presents for people they’ll more than likely hate is a pain in the ass, for sure.

I can’t deny it, I’m all about the summer. Before the kids came around, we took winter trips to Cuba and Costa Rica. It was the first time I’d ever been more south than the northernmost states in the U.S., and it was so nice to be someplace where you could just relax and read all day and not feel like you’d somehow wasted the day. There’s always so much to do here, between cleaning (hahaha like I clean), laundry, dishes, cooking, and now taking care of the kids and their laundry, dishes, food needs, and in the case of Boy Child, diapers… I definitely feel like there’s always some kind of responsibility to be found.

Not that I would dream of giving them up, of course, but sometimes I do miss having my own space where things stay where I put them, where I can leave small objects on the ground and not have to worry about them finding their way into small children’s hands and mouths…

Anyhow, that’s neither here nor there, since they’re here and there! Oh, I’m hilarious, aren’t I? /sigh

September 12

Today was actually a pretty fantastic day. The Girl Child is finally feeling better and is almost back to her normal, pleasant self. She had a blast at her dance class this morning, and the Boy Child even napped in his stroller while it went on, so I was able to read my book without interruption.

There’s another mother at this dance class that I’ve befriended, but she wasn’t there today. Instead her husband brought their daughter to the class, and she and Girl Child played together well. Even though I’ve met him before, we didn’t do much more than exchange hellos; he had a tablet with him and spent the time playing what looked to be Hearthstone, so I didn’t feel guilty about burying myself in yet another so-called “vampire smut” novel.

After her dance class, Girl Child wanted to go to the bookstore, so I treated myself to a fancy Starbucks coffee (can it still be considered a treat if I do it 3-4 times a week?) and browsed the shelves while she played with some of the toys. Boy Child was awake by this point and had fun playing with the trains, but I had to keep an eye on him so he wouldn’t put them in his mouth. Not that we’re particularly afraid of germs, but I do have to put on a show for the other parents, at least.

We finished up at the book store and I took them to the park for a bit. I’m thrilled that Girl Child is of the age where I don’t have to follow her around the playground anymore, though now I’m back to that with Boy Child. He loves being in the swings, so at least that’s pretty easy, and it’s definitely nice to see how happy it makes him. I can’t put him in the sand the way I could with Girl Child when she was the same age; it doesn’t take long before he’s shoving fistfuls of the stuff into his mouth. The little potatohead doesn’t even some to mind the taste of the sand, either. I suppose I can admit that he comes by it genetically; my folks love telling me how when I was a baby I ate whatever I could get my hands on, including gravel, cigarette butts, and dirt. I know the germs are good for him, but’s still annoying to keep having to scrape it off his tongue, especially if I don’t have water with me – and oddly enough, it’s having it removed from his mouth that seems to upset him more. Weird child.

Post park it was home for some lunch and then some naps for everyone. Or at least I put Boy Child in the crib and Girl Child in front of the television so I could catch a nap myself. I’d stayed up too late the night before reading my vampire smut, so I was feeling pretty bagged after being out in the sun and running around most of the morning. The coffee only helps so much, unfortunately.

Now that Girl Child is in school, she gets to see much less television during the week than she used to, so she’s pretty easy to bribe with it now, lucky me. So she enjoyed a show or two while I caught up on some sleep, and then we were off to the grocery store to pick up supplies for dinner.

While we were there, Dear Husband somehow managed to come home, change, grab a bite to eat (I assume, there were new dirty dishes in the sink that weren’t there before), and leave again. He’s never been very specific about where he goes on these Saturday night outings, but he leaves right after work and comes home late and tends to get defensive if I ask questions, so I just don’t bother anymore. I know at the very least he’s spending time with smokers since his clothes always reek after these nights out, but that’s about all I know.

Actually, that’s a lie. I know they go to the strip clubs, because I’ve seen the pictures and texts on his phone. He doesn’t know that I know his password, but since his default is “Deadpool” and he uses it for literally everything, it’s not like it’s that hard to snoop.

So yeah, I’ve found pictures on his phone. I didn’t think you were allowed to take pictures in the strip clubs, but I also didn’t think you were allowed to do some of the things I’ve seen in these pictures, so what do I know? Maybe the rules change if enough money is involved, or maybe he’s just there often enough that’s formed some kind of “relationship” with some of them…

So I figured that what’s good for the gander is good for the goose as it were, and I might’ve made myself some profiles on a website or two myself. I didn’t even bother to use a fake picture – let him find them, see if I care. I made them and went straight to bed pretty much, so I’ll have to wait until he’s not around to see if I get any responses. I can’t decide if I want to get messages or I don’t. I guess I’ll see what happens.

September 13

I am so glad the kids are in bed right now, though something tells me that isn’t going to last. The Girl Child was super argumentative today and wouldn’t listen to anything I said. I swear I had to repeat myself four or five times every time I asked her to do something simple, and there were a few times I ended up just taking over and doing whatever it was myself. She threw a mini fit when I dressed her this morning, but I swear if I left it up to here we’d have been waiting all morning. And then when it came time to get her swim suit on for her lesson, I thought for sure we’d miss the entire class the way she was dawdling.

I tried to ask her what was going on that she wasn’t listening or moving quickly, but she didn’t even try to answer me and I didn’t push it. Four year olds aren’t exactly the most loquacious or in touch with rational thought, but every now and again I forget myself and try.

I left Boy Child in the hands of the Dear Husband for a good portion of the day. I know Dear Husband was feeling pretty zonked after having been out half the night, but fuck him. I don’t get to sleep in when I’m up late, so why should he?

Damnit, there goes Boy Child again. As much as I’m flattered that whenever he’s upset it’s “mummummum” some part of me wishes he’d switch to “daddaddad”… though let’s be honest, that wouldn’t exactly make a difference in who ended up having to get up and get in there.

Okay, back. I ended up having to just put Boy Child back in the crib while still upset, because he wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. He kept shoving at me and twisting in my arms and wailing… it’s great for the mom self-esteem when your own child wants nothing to do with you. Of course the little bugger calmed right down as soon as I left the room, so I don’t even know why I bothered going in. It sounded like he needed me to comfort him, but I guess I was wrong.

Anyhow, it’s getting pretty late and I need to be up for work tomorrow, so I guess I better leave off here.

Oh, I almost forgot! I got five messages already on one of the websites I signed up on yesterday. I haven’t read the messages yet, but the pictures attached to the profiles are pretty encouraging. Looking forward to reading what they have to say… and I can only hope it’s something more scintillating than “sup.” Honestly guys, put some effort into it – I promise it doesn’t hurt.

September 1

Good morning faithful readers!

As those of you who’ve been following me for awhile know, my morning routine is pretty set in stone – and dull as fuck. My alarm goes off (way too early), I get out of bed (read: lie in bed for awhile and will myself to move), I shower, I get dressed, I grab my lunch, I head out the door. Nothing too exciting, and very rarely does anything happen that would affect it terribly.

Well, this morning was a bit weird – usually the kids are fast asleep when I go through my routine and they don’t stir, even when I have the radio on. The eldest, the one you know as Girl Child, she’s been through this for awhile now and the noise doesn’t bother her like it did when I first went back to work. The younger, the Boy Child, he’s a pretty solid sleeper and the noises I make in the morning have never phased him. (I know, other parents hate us, we have two great sleepers).

But this morning… I don’t know what it was, but when I was in the shower doing non-sexy shower things, I swear that I could hear them calling me. Boy Child isn’t speaking yet (although it does sound like he’s saying mummummum when he’s upset), so I knew it couldn’t have been him, but yet it did sound like his voice.

I checked in on them when I was done and they were both out cold, so I don’t know if my mind was playing tricks on me or what. I know I’ve heard other moms say that whenever they took showers while their kids were little they’d swear they heard the babies crying, only to find out that nothing was going on when they raced out to check, but this was different. I’ve never had that experience – any time I thought I heard the kids crying while I showered, they were. Fortunately they both got through that phase, but that’s another matter entirely.

Anyhow, I don’t know what to tell you beyond that, but it definitely got my morning off on a weird foot, that’s for sure.

Otherwise, not much to tell you about my day at this point. I drove to the Park and Ride like usual, said good morning to the poor guy handing out the free papers, and then took the bus to work. I’m looking forward to working with my new manager – he’s someone I’ve known for awhile, and should be a welcome change for the team. Not that there was anything wrong with my previous manager, it’s just nice to have someone who hasn’t been a part of the department for awhile to come in and give us fresh eyes on this.

I also start my dance classes back up tonight, and I’m looking forward to that. It’ll be good to get back into the habit and routine (ha ha, some dance humour there for some of you) that I had going on before the birth of Boy Child.

So that’s it from me for now – I’ll update you all a bit more after the dance class and tell you how much of a fool I made of myself, and maybe I’ll even post some pictures. Unlikely, but I can promise anything I want!

Have a great day!

September 3

Sorry about missing out on yesterday’s post, I was just exhausted all day yesterday and couldn’t find the energy to sit and write.

As I said on Monday, I was going back to dance – okay, I’ll confess, it’s a tap dancing class. I’ve always wanted to try it, and so the Dear Husband surprised me with lessons last Christmas. I took a bit of a break after Boy Child was born, but now I’m back at it and having fun.

Well, mostly having fun. There’s a girl in my class who’s just a pain in the ass, and really tries to make the class all about her. She loves to shush people if they’re talking when she wants to learn, but if she needs to ask us questions while the teacher’s talking, then it’s all fine. She also just has this really forceful way of speaking that gets to me somehow. I’m not sure how anyone else feels about her, so I don’t want to say anything too negative to my classmates yet, but I’m not sure how long I can hold my tongue – you know how I am.

My brain had some cobwebs in it, I’ll be honest, but for the most part the class itself went well. I only stepped on my own toe once (yes, I’m graceful like that), and it definitely didn’t tickle. Hopefully not a mistake I’ll make more than once.

The kids were pretty good yesterday and then again today. The daycare provider said that Boy Child was acting pretty cranky and didn’t want to nap for her, but he seemed happy to see me. He gave me some weird looks, but I think that’s just because of the change to his routine – he’s still adjusting to me being back at work and him being at daycare after spending full days with me for so long. I admit, it’s nice that he’s adjusted as well as he has (the Dear Husband says there were tears only on the days he took too long to leave), but I remember when we’d drop the Girl Child off and she’d cry, or she’d cry when I picked her up… it’s nice to be loved. Not that I want them to be upset, but when they don’t have words, it’s one way to know for sure they care. Anyhow, I’m just a terrible mom, what can I say?

Girl Child is having a blast at school, too. She’s having a bit of a conflict with some kid in her classroom, but the leaders? helpers?  with the teacher haven’t noticed anything, so I’m sure it’s just a little personality conflict that can’t be helped. I’m just trying to explain to her that sometimes other people don’t like us, or we don’t like them, and that’s okay. When this poor kid gets old enough to figure out how few people her father and I like, well, she’ll understand. Or she’ll pity us, who knows.

The Dear Husband seems to be going through one of his moods again. I honestly don’t have the energy to ask about it lately, and it seems to be cyclical – he’ll get distant, he’ll ignore me and/or focus on his hobbies for awhile, then I’ll get upset with him and request (demand, insist, threaten, whatever works) that he spend more time with me and the kids, and then he’s around more… until once again he’s not.

I just don’t know if I even want to go back down that cycle with him again. Honestly, it’s… if he doesn’t want to spend time with us, why should I fight it? I know I’m no prize, but I do seem to have some friends (of both sexes) who want to spend time with me, so clearly some out there don’t seem to think that I’m that bad. And really, the kids are great – they’re happy, they’re healthy, they’re pleasant company, and I’m (I should say we, but let’s be honest here, it’s all I’m) doing my best to raise them to be not-assholes, so they’re definitely not a deterrent to him spending time here, so clearly it’s just him.

But whatever, I digress. Not looking to air dirty laundry here, I swear – though don’t think I haven’t noticed how the hits go up on the counter when I do! Let’s just say that maybe comes up a bit more often in my browser history than it used to… and that some friends are being more supportive than others. If there’s more to say, well, you know where to find me online.

Maybe I’ll delete this tomorrow morning. It’s probably just the wine talking. Have a good night everyone, and forget you read this!

September 4

Okay, fuck it, I left it up. I know he doesn’t read here, so it’s not like it’s a big deal.

But I also wanted to write about something that happened this morning. It’s a Sunday today, so he’s usually around (although his version of “around” is sleeping on the couch after being out late the night before at his friend’s place). I got up with the kids because why should I get to sleep in on the one day I’m home, got them fed and dressed and was getting ready to head out somewhere – anywhere – with them when he came downstairs. Wanted to know where I’d been.

What the fuck?

He said that he came home last night and I wasn’t in bed and he hadn’t seen me in the house. I told him I had no idea what he did last night to make him think that I wasn’t there, but that I was in bed when he came in in the middle of the night – and that I knew he got home at 3:30 because he woke me up when he turned on the bathroom light.

He told me I was lying, like that was something I’d bother to invent. Not to mention he should know I’d never leave the kids alone in the house like that. I’ll go into the garage to put the garbage out, or I’d go to get something out of the car, but that’s as far as it goes.

He swore up and down he didn’t see me in the bed, like I could somehow have hidden under the two covers he’ll allow on the bed or something. I mean, sure, I’m short, but it’s not like I can completely disappear under a thin comforter and blanket so as to be invisible, especially when the light falls directly on me when the bathroom door is open (god I wish we’d put the bed somewhere else, but with my huge dresser there really wasn’t another option).

Anyhow, he didn’t really seem like he believed me, but he shook his head and dropped it, so I guess that’s something? Whatever, I’m not going to try to convince him, it’s just not worth the fight.

This was after I had a horrible sleep last night, too. It was just like the other morning in the shower – I kept hearing the kids calling to me (this time it was Girl Child’s voice, but the same mummummum the way Boy Child calls me), and I kept getting up to check on them only to find them out cold. Girl Child is at the beginning stages of a cold, so she’s been snoring away like crazy, but at least she’s getting some rest. I dread whenever Boy Child gets his first real cold because comforting a baby through one sucks serious monkeys (not to mention he doesn’t like me clear out his nose or even wipe it, rotten baby), but it’ll happen one of these days and we’ll all survive just fine.

He’s downstairs watching television right now, stupid football season. I swear I thought it ended at some point in the year, but it seems like it’s a 365 days a year kind of thing in this household. And if it’s not football, it’s baseball, or basketball… sports I never even thought he liked before we got married, but here we are.

On a happier note, I took the kids to the bookstore and they had fun. I’m so glad Girl Child is out of the stage where she breaks down in tears every time it’s time to leave someplace where she’s having fun. Boy Child is on the other side of that stage, so hopefully he doesn’t go through it, but if not that I’m sure he’ll have tantrums or run off or something equally challenging. Parenting, it’s such a delight.

I’m off to bed, catch you all later.

September 8

Sorry everyone, sorry about the lack of updates. I swear I’ve had good intentions, but I can’t remember the last good night of sleep I had. Fights with the husband, kids up all night (this time for real)… dead on my feet. The early hours at work and the new staff we’ve taken on aren’t helping, either. I swear one of them has been on me all day, every day, since they started. I don’t think she likes me very much, either.

Off to bed for now, but more soon, I promise.